I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
