And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
