i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
