he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
