just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
