I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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