I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
