Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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