tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
