we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
