I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
