I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
