i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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