Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
