Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
