If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
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