I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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