i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
