A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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