I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
