No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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