My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
