im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
