Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
