Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
