and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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