Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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