I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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