Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She told me I should be a condom model.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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