Don't make out with my wife yet
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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