I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
