btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
