Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We talked him into tasing himself.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
