Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
