I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
