she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
