i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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