in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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