Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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