So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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