i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
