Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
