so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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