Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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