i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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