I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
