dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I touched a dick in church today
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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