he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I want to be your penis for a week.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
