i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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