I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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