I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize