my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
