i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I just want to make out with him forever
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
