Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
