never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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