I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
