i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
