nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I deserve this hangover.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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