Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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